"The Best Christmas Pageant Ever" is one of my all-time favorite Christmas specials. And like most Christmas specials, I first watched it during the inappropriate season of Summer.

It was one of those boring family reunions where you know nobody and aren't really interested to get to know anybody, and I didn't like the barbecue that was the focal point of the event, so, in my eleven-year old wisdom, I decided to go inside my relatives' house and repeatedly bounce myself down the stairs on my backside.

About an hour later, my butt was pretty well numbed, so I hobbled up to my great-aunt and asked if there were any videos I could watch. She graciously unlocked her entertainment center and let me pick a tape. Waaaay too many World War II documentaries for my tastes...maybe she was a founding member of the History channel? Ooh. A Christmas show. That'll help me forget the 112-degree heat.

How shall we abbreviate the title..."Pageant?" We'll go with that--"Pageant" features the star power of the great Loretta Swit. No, I didn't say it like that to be sarcastic, but what have you seen the great Loretta Swit in lately besides MASH reruns? This special must have been made at the height of her popularity.
 

Swit's about to lay the smackdown on these punks.)

Anyway. The story is narrated by a little girl whose mother (the great Loretta Swit!) is put in charge of running the church's annual Christmas pageant. The actress playing the little girl always looks like she's about to cry, and I don't think that has much to do with the plot of the story as it does her inability to emote.

The conflict of the show--because all good theater needs conflict, remember that--comes from the Herdmans, a group of kids so mean they make Bobby Budnick look like Snow White. At least, that's how they're supposed to be in the book. On TV, they're more like a bunch of rowdy preteens you see clamoring around the video game section of the Walmart. The kids "lie, cheat, steal, smoke cigars--even the girls." And the girl playing Imogene even does this--twice--on camera! One wonders if that's real or maybe just one of those candy whoozits that used to be sold at gas stations. Mental note: that's another idea for an article.
 

PUFF, PUFF, GIVE! PUFF, PUFF, GIVE!

The 'movie,' which runs at 48 minutes, mostly deals with Mother Swit's trials and tribulations trying to put on the pageant when the Herdmans decide they want to take part. The critic in me suspects that the cast is mostly Canadian, which would explain why the acting is so sullen and the other actors' names unrecognizable. (No offense intended, Canada. You know you're my boo.) I think the one character who shows up on screen just like the book intended is the great priss Alice Wendelken. She's as self-important and high-and-mighty as she was written to be.
 

You know you wanna just punch her in the teeth.

Still, the best part of the movie is the second half, where the Herdmans hear--and criticize--the Christmas story. Between wanting to take baby Jesus and rename him Bill, and fighting over who should go kill King Herod, the show runs a very tender border between cute naiveness and sacrilege. And we all know that's what makes a good family comedy!

The resolution of the story, because all good theater requires a resolution--remember that too--comes on the night of the pageant, where the lead Herdman, cigar-smoking, pussy-willow brandishing Imogene, seems to finally understand and show empathy towards the baby Jesus and the true meaning behind Christmas.
 

Cue the Hallelujah chorus.

I won't ruin the full ending, but the Herdmans do something totally unexpected and sweet following the pageant, despite still being at heart a rowdy bunch of Walmart loiterers. The best part of both the movie and the book are of little Gladys Herdman, playing the Angel of the Lord, barking at the congregation during the pageant--"Hey! Hey! Unto you a child is born!"

Chase, 11/15/08

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