In the 1980s, the Nintendo Entertainment System changed
the gaming world forever. Its success and merchandising have never
been matched, and while the 1980s were an enormous pop-culture
merchandising cesspool compared to today, I have a hard time seeing
Nintendo Wii-branded sleeping bags or a Captain W television show
coming into our lives in the 2000s. The point of all of that
is that Nintendo had a cereal and you didn't.
The Ralston
company (of Ralston Purina, better known for making dog food) wrote the book on cereals based on TV shows,
movies and basically anything else kids were into. They had a
steady line of these cereals throughout the 1980s and into
the early 1990s that ranged from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to
Ghostbusters to Nerds brand candy. They even had
cereals based on the video game phenomena Donkey Kong and
Donkey Kong Jr in the early 80s. But in 1988, the NCS (I
swear it's not too late for that to catch on) hit the shelves and today,
is considered by many to be the holy grail of 1980s cereal.
Once it was in the bowl, swimming in the great equalizer
called milk and ready to go down your food hole, it was really nothing
special. It even has a rep of tasting bad by some.
But Ralston knew that kids are the world's greatest impulse buyers and
that as long as the box was appealing, they could fill it with
sugar-coated corrugated cardboard bits and frosted pencil shavings for
all we cared.
And appealing it was. The Nintendo Cereal System's
box was a sight to behold. First off, it's black. How
many black cereal boxes have you seen? Okay, I'll give you
Ghostbusters and Batman, but seriously. You don't have
to be a marketing director to know that bright colors appeal to kids but
this is so much better. The black box is part of what makes this
so great. It's sleek, it's simple, and it's true to Nintendo's
style at the time. In other words, it's perfect.
Right under the Nintendo Cereal System logo are two
side-by-side illustrations of Nintendo's two biggest trademark games:
Super Mario Bros and Zelda.
The second installments of
both of these games had just been released the same year the cereal came
out and instead of mixing various video game relic cereal adaptations
together in one box, it was actually split into TWO cereals.
And therein lies the most unique part of the Nintendo Cereal System: two
cereals in one box.
Inside the standard 13 ounce cereal box were two small
bags, instead of one large bag, each based on one of the two games
featured on the front of the box. The left side, the "Super
Mario Bros ACTION SERIES," contained fruit-flavored cereal.
The right side, the "Zelda ADVENTURE SERIES," contained
berry-flavored cereal. I was raised to understand that berries
were fruit, but apparently they seceded into their own entity in
1988. Go figure.
The left side panel is full of quality morning reading
substance. The top of the panel is titled "MORE NINTENDO POWER
GAME TIPS" and gives a tip from each of the two featured games.
In
this case, one of the tips we learn is that in Super Mario Bros 2,
you can jump over the waterfall in 1-1 easily with anyone but Mario.
I would debate this claim by trying to jump the waterfall with Toad, but
I fold. If it's from Nintendo Power, it must be true.
Right under the tips portion of the left side panel is a
mail-away offer. Nintendo Cereal System, like most cereals, had
premiums in rotation you could order by sending in a box top or two and
some cash. In this case, as you may have noticed from the cover,
it's a hologram T-shirt.
There are two things I want to point out
about this offer that really show the age of this product. First,
to obtain said shirt, all that's required is oneproof of
purchase and $5.95. Essentially, you get the shirt for 7 or
8 bucks, a steal for licensed merchandise by today's standards.
The other thing I want to point out is that the shirt only goes up to
size Large. The childhood obesity epidemic had not yet set in in
1988, and to be a fat kid meant you wore Large, not XXXL. It's
funny and sad at the same time. Don't send me hate mail on that
one.
The last real feature on the left side panel, right
above a small Nintendo Power ad at the very bottom, is the obligatory
cereal dish recipe. We've all seen them, and we've all never made
them. You glance at them while you eat your breakfast -- a recipe
for some outlandish dish using less-than-common ingredients to make some
concoction with so little room for error you know you're gonna screw it
up. So you don't even try. This one is labeled Magic
Pudding Recipe.
It involves whisking and electric mixing and
blending of yogurt and pudding and whipped cream and milk.
Basically, it's a lot of synonymous actions done to a lot of synonyms.
Somehow Nintendo cereal fits into all of that. We aren't given
much information other than to put the cereal in a glass with the sludge
we mix to go with it. We're not provided a photo of our Magic
Pudding and that's because no one ever made it.
The right
side panel has all the boring stuff. Nutrition information,
ingredients, etc. I always find it strangely interesting to see
"sugar" listed in these old cereal ingredients and not "high fructose
corn syrup." Part of me believes it just had to taste better that
way.
The back of the box expands upon the aforementioned
Nintendo Cereal System hologram T-shirt offer. "Get the Latest in
Soft-Wear!" it says. Soft-Wear. It's been a while since I've
had some good soft-wear.
The opening line to pitch you on buying
this shirt is just as priceless. "Nintendo is hot. And
holograms are hip. So we've combined the two in this super
Hologram T-Shirt, featuring your favorite heroes, Mario and Link." I
love the italicized hot and hip. It goes on to say
that the back of the shirt (not shown) contains the "official Nintendo
Cereal System phrase." What is the official Nintendo Cereal System
phrase, you ask? "If you can't beat 'em...eat 'em!" Only a phrase
of that caliber could go on a shirt categorized as soft-wear.
I ate this stuff a lot when I was a kid. I never
remember it tasting bad. In fact, I quite liked it. It
tasted a lot like Ralston's Morning Funnies cereal, and had
similar-looking pieces in it. Why this cereal has gotten the rep
of tasting bad is beyond me. And, the idea of two different
cereals in one was a genius idea on Ralston's part. When you get
tired of playing one game, you play another, so why not incorporate the
same idea into the cereal? The box top was even perforated down the
middle with two closing tabs so you could open whichever side you wanted
without disturbing the other.
Of course, if you had one of those
moms who put your cereal in those plastic Tupperware containers and
threw the box away, you might as well just buy Fruity Pebbles and take
your inevitable playground beating like a man.
The commercial used to promote Nintendo Cereal System is
just as legendary as the cereal itself. A jingle that features a
repetitious singing of the name "Nintendo" to start each line
underscores 30 seconds of kids with TVs on their heads.
The
TV-headed kids run through the Mario and Zelda games with crudely
animated Mario and Link characters while the monotonous anthem plays.
But once again, it's sheer perfection. No other promo could have
fit with the product. The famous jingle's lyrics are as follows:
Nintendo, it's for breakfast now.
Nintendo, it's a cereal, wow!
Nintendo, Super Mario jumps,
Nintendo, in a fruit flavored crunch!
Nintendo,
here's Zelda too!
Nintendo, it's very good news!
Nintendo, mmmm, you just can't lose!
Nintendo, two
cereals in one, wow!
How could you go wrong with
poetry like that? Even with the rhymes ill enough to make Kurtis Blow
have the breaks, the cereal unfortunately didn't last long. In
fact, it was gone by the turn of the decade. Its short life created
rarity and thus adding to its legacy. The Nintendo Cereal System
lives on as one of the greatest products Nintendo ever allowed its
emblem to adorn. It has only grown in popularity in recent times,
and sealed boxes of it easily go for over $100 in online auctions.
Now answer me seriously: can you really imagine
there ever being a Wii Cereal System? I didn't think so.
Super Bonus, get down here and make the people happy.
Check out the Nintendo Cereal System commercial at our YouTube account,
"cmonfwank" or
below!
