Growing up, I was a HUGE Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan.  And, when I say HUGE in both caps and italics, you know that's not bull crap.  I embraced Turtlemania in every sense of the word.  I had every toy, every video, and every other little weird thing they branded with the Turtles logo.

I was Donatello for Halloween during the same school year that the first TMNT movie came out.  I don't know if kids today are still allowed to wear their costumes to school, but back then, we were.  My elementary school had a morning function where every kid got to walk past a microphone in the gym and state what they were before the whole student body. 

I, being of sound mind and costume awesomeness, took my moment in the spotlight and ran with it.  If they would have had the background music they play at the Emmy's to tell someone they've talked too long, they would have blasted it on me here.  I stepped up there and among other things, proudly stated that I was Donatello and that I was the best.  THAT'S RIGHT CRAPPY BATMAN BIB-COSTUME KID, THE BEST.

I could totally support this paragraph with photos; they do exist, but I choose not to.  Kiss my shell.  I'm Donatello, dang it. 

I'm still a huge TMNT fan.  I've got all the current line of figures and accessories, still mint on the package, boxed and stored away.  The fact that I have sense enough to at least box them up both destroys the purpose of buying them and confirms some form of normalcy exists within me.  Either way, one of the highest points of my entire Turtledom career was without a doubt the release of the first movie in 1990.

The first movie had something special about it that no other Turtle movie has come close to touching.  The only way I can sum it up is that it was real.  That sounds ridiculous at face value when talking about a film starring four latex amphibians in colored masks.  But seriously, when you overlook the four Turtles, that was such a believable, mature film.  This was also before the Turtle costumes got goofy and cartoony looking, as they progressively did in the next two films.

The progression of Leonardo's costume from TMNT 1-3 (left to right)

TMNT 1 was what completely convinced me that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were REAL.  I knew they had to be, because there they were, walking and talking on the screen.  I even convinced myself in TMNT 2 that they were still real, even though my instinct said otherwise based on the fact that they danced with Rob Vanilla Van Ice Winkle.  By TMNT 3, I knew I had been had when Mikey suddenly had piano key teeth and Splinter looked like a cute dog instead of a ninja rat. 

But while I still held out hope that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were real, during that formative school year the first movie came out and I gave the student body what for, my parents bought me a piece of literature that, as far as I was concerned, was the crowning glory that somehow proved the boys were walking among us:

Check that out.  A perfect, beautiful 8x10 storybook based on the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.  That cover shot alone is enough to make me happy.  I've to this day never seen that photo on anything else.  As a kid, I drew it and made my dad make a zillion photo copies of it that I colored over and over.  I have a cousin who's my age who used to copy everything I would do, and actually drew the cover as well and made his mom make copies.  Somehow, I still have a copy of his drawing but not my own.  Sometimes life's funny like that.  Thanks Mom.

The book, released in 1990 by Random House, contains a textual, abridged adaptation of the movie, and lots of cool extra things along the way.  As I thumbed through this magical book to re-familiarize myself with it before embarking on this article, I realized one thing: I had never actually read it.  That's when it occurred to me that when this book came out, I was still in the process of getting the hang of the whole reading thing and didn't give a crap to do anything but look at the pictures.

Still to this day, for a mid-20s adult, it's a ton of text to read.  However, it's hilarious text to read.  A lot of things from the movie just don't translate well to text, and then there are those obligatory things they just make up to make it a more interesting read.  And then there are the visuals, which are actually amazing.  There's a mix of production photos, movie stills and illustrations.  And speaking of illustrations, every few pages we're treated to one of these bad boys: 

Like a page straight out of Tiger Beat magazine, the Turtles themselves sat down and dished the dirt on themselves.  Each of the four Turtles, April, Splinter and even Shredder have these Personality Profiles.  We learn here that Leo is actually the "unofficial" leader of the group.  And that he doesn't like bullies.  Wahhh. 

I don't recall ever hearing Leonardo exclaim, "Slap me three!" though.  But, maybe it's one of those off-camera things he says just to the guys.  You know, only to his personal homies.  Slap me three.  Let's go dance with Vanilla Ice.  Slap me three.  I just revived a passed out kid in ancient Japan.  Slap me three.  Nah, it just doesn't work.

As I mentioned before, some of the most priceless items in the book come in the form of things said in the movie that are translated to text.  Exhibit A:

YAH-H-H-H-H! What the? Really? From out of nowhere, Raphael appears and says..."yah-h-h-h-h-h?" How many syllables is that even? And what's up with what I can only imagine was milliseconds away from becoming a cheerleader split in the air?  By the time he got done with all of that, the Foot Clan could already beat the crap out of his trench coat-clad self.  Whatever though, it's still a good shot with good dialogue.  Spirit fingers.

The origin story of the Turtles is told, as it is in all first-time TMNT mediums: first comic book, first cartoon episode, first movie...naturally, it would occur in the first movie book.  The story has been rearranged here and there but usually it retains the same general story.  Ooze spilled, turtles were mutated.  Splinter, either being a man or rat originally (depending on which story you hear) became their master and taught them ninja voo-doo.  While for the most part, the story here is the same tale, this is one of those times where fluff text is added in to beef up a movie-to-book story:

Since when did the mutagen spill as a result of a blind man crossing the street? No disrespect, it could happen that way if we're believing it could happen at all.  But, that's a pretty specific detail to add to the fellas' story.  I'm wondering if the author of this book knows something the rest of us don't.  Or if they're just a big bullcrapper who can't sleep at night knowing they blamed the Turtles' mutation on a blind man. 

Either way, at this point, we're treated to another Personality Profile.  This time, it's Michaelangelo:

At least Mikey's is completely accurate.  His traits are true, his quote was actually said, and I'm pretty sure he'd flick his nose at someone who didn't like AC/DC.  The only thing that bothers me is Mikey's obesity.  I guess 15 years of pizza will do that to you and he's grown so much that he popped the "M" right off his belt. 

And then, there's dialogue that I'm just flat-out shocked that they printed in here verbatim from the movie.  Stuff that, while seen in passing during the film, you don't think much of...but when you put it into black and white, it makes you dwell on it just a little more and wonder what kind of influence it had on kids.  Read the last paragraph of this one:

In talking about the warehouse all the "bad" kids who eventually became Foot Clan members hung out in, it states: "There were hundreds of them here, milling about, living it up, laughing, shouting to one another -- in short, having a great time doing everything they weren't supposed to do.  They were smoking, drinking, gambling, shooting pool, even playing knife games." Dude.

I just can't put into words how messed up and hilarious that paragraph is.  Seriously.  Not to sound all After School Special or anything, but I'm sure no one would deny that it's pretty sketchy to convey to a kid that other kids are having a great time doing things like drinking, smoking and playing "knife games." But it's so funny to look back on today. 

It's hilarious to think that a place like the warehouse would even exist, where a giant Japanese beast like Tatsu walked around and watched kids skateboard and gamble, then made them into his pajama-wearing minions who stole crap in broad daylight.  Knife games.

Guess what? Another Personality Profile! Holy crap!

Fat Raph doesn't take crap from anyone.  He's Mr. Intensity.  He has an attitude.  And he doesn't like gacks.  So don't look at him funny, or, he'll come stompin' in like a sumo wrestler with his sais up ready to eat your face off.  Don't be a gack.  And speaking of gack:

There's that scene in which Casey and Donatello go back and forth with alphabetized insults.  I always thought it was bizarre to hear "gackface" and wondered if it was a Double Dare reference.  No matter, it's Personality Profile time again!

OK.  I'm not even going to talk about the obvious.  You see it, I see it, it's done.  I don't know when Don ever said "I'm not gonna pay more for this muffler!" but apparently Don was also a haggler.  I don't really get the whole Shakespeare is a deadly weapon thing either.  I never knew Don to be into Shakespeare.  That seems like more of a Leo thing, if any.  For being the Turtle with the best weapon in the NES game, which counts for everything, Don is a little disappointing here.  Good thing I was him for Halloween.  THE BEST.

One of the featurettes in the book is a little section called "KNOW YOUR NINJA WEAPONS." Pretty self-explanatory, it teaches kids just a little more about being a stealth, deadly assassin than they knew from the previous page.  There's just one little addition that I don't recall ever seeing a Ninja Turtle wielding.  See if you can pick it out:

I don't know.  I guess you could kill someone with any of the four Turtles' weapons, but throwing in a large ninja battle-axe (which, had they not provided a photo, I'd have pictured Roseanne in black spandex) just seems kinda wrong.  Fathers own axes...kids pretend. 

The book ends the same way the movie does, with 2 of the Turtles sounding out the word "Cowabunga" one syllable at a time with their pet giant gopher.  Sorry for spoiling that. 

At the end of the book, we're treated to a 10-question ultimate Turtles trivia, which I've included in the Super Bonus below.  But, have you ever watched a trivia game show with multiple choice questions (Who Wants to be a Millionaire? for example), and seen that cliché last answer as something absolutely absurd?

This one trumps every goofy game show answer you've ever seen and whizzes on every shred of your Turtle intelligence:

YOUR MOTHER WEARS ARMY BOOTS.  You know someone totally wrote that and went around to every cubicle in the Random House offices and read it aloud, proudly proclaiming their self-love for their creative/lazy writing.  What can I say though, I like it.  It's better than that line about your mom going to college from Napoleon Dynamite too. 

Alright, time for you to get your quiz on.  Your mom wears army boots.  Seriously, make that crap catch on.

Click [HERE] for the answers!

Josh, 12/27/08

YOUR MOTHER WEARS ARMY BOOTS!

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